The Dream
(The drawings, clockwise from top left) 1 - he didn’t like it when I couldn’t read his mind; 2- “look,” he said, “she’s small and perfect”; 3 - he stepped aside and she devoured me; 4 - and I couldn’t move a muscle
3’3” x 4’6” | 2024 | Charcoal, cut paper, found objects
(The drawings, clockwise from top left) 1 - he didn’t like it when I couldn’t read his mind; 2- “look,” he said, “she’s small and perfect”; 3 - he stepped aside and she devoured me; 4 - and I couldn’t move a muscle
3’3” x 4’6” | 2024 | Charcoal, cut paper, found objects
I’ve had only one recurring dream in my life, during a relationship with a very controlling man. It took some time to break me down, but he eventually ran every aspect of my life: what I could wear, who I could talk to and what I could say, what I could eat. Every day I walked through a disorienting minefield of spoken and unspoken expectations, and I was always in trouble for something.
In my dream, I’m laying on my bed and see him sitting there, facing away from me. He does not stir, and I feel uneasy—nothing upset him quite as much as when I failed to read his mind. “Look”, he suddenly says, “Isn’t she perfect?” He moves to the side to reveal a smaller version of myself. Something is wrong with her. Her eyes are full of hate. I want to run or scream but I’m paralyzed. In an instant, she glides across the room and tears into me, eating me piece by piece.
I believe my dream was showcasing my own cycle of self-betrayal, seeking approval from him that never came: distancing myself from friends and family that he didn’t like, giving up my preferences and priorities at his behest, and tolerating his irrational jealousy, excessive commands, and angry backlash. He always liked the part of me that made myself small and agreeable. The dream was a warning that if I kept this up, I would destroy myself.
